You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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