Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
