Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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