Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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