I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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