I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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