How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
