remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
