Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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