I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
