My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
