I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
