hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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