I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
