Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize