I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
