Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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