as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
