You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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