I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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