I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
