wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
