apparently the secret to your success is patron
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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