Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
