You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
