Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
