Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
