dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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