I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she looked like the before picture.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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