mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
