I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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