I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
