I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
