is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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