Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
