If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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