i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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