i need an iv and a liver transplant
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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