You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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