naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
