There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
