He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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