And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
