he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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