Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
