she woke up with a sticky ear
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
