Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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