I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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