Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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