I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize