It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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