A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
