I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
