HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
