haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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