I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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