I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
