I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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