I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
