You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
