sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
