So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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