I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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