i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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